In chatting with several members of the humhum community about their intentions for dating, it became clear that the word “dating” blankets many assumptions, intentions, and experiences. The word isn’t sufficient to capture the nuance and complexity of what it is we are trying to accomplish when we meet face-to-face with someone that we may be kinda sorta interested in for more than friendly reasons.
Perhaps the word “dating” is out-dated and we need better words to describe the varying intentions behind going on a “date” if two people are even willing nowadays to acknowledge that this is what they’re doing.
A Brief History of Dating
How did we get here? This question sent me down a rabbit hole of inquiry to examine the origin of the word “date” which it turns out came about around the early 1900s to describe the concept of two humans entertaining the idea of marrying one another, agreeing on a specific date in the calendar to meet to get to know one another to explore how they felt. They’d do this over and over ultimately occupying most of the free “dates” in one another’s calendars until they were what we now call “exclusive,” because there was no time/space for anyone else. This “dating” thing started once it was acceptable-ish for couples to explore more privacy and freedom in the ways they were connecting with one another to assess their compatibility. This ritual replaced an older paradigm of “calling” which took place in the home, and with a chaperone. Yup.
Once The Pill came along, couples found it practical to entertain their desires for one another and explore their relationship beyond conversation, meeting for reasons other than seeing if the person was marriage material. Once sex was on the table, exploring a dynamic for marriage was one potential reason for dating, but fun, intimacy, and pleasure were other underlying motives for a pair to meet.
Dating in 2020
As the relationship landscape continues to evolve, it is important for us to be aware of our own intentions and the assumptions we make so that we can communicate what we need while making space to hear what another needs. Only then can we harmoniously relate, discovering together the areas we agree or agree to disagree on. It is often unclear if the person you’re meeting is in it for the long game, a one night stand, meaningful connection, a flirty fun fling, or something in between. Can you be clear and invite your romantic counterpart to be clear?
What are you looking for? Do a brief self-inquiry to get in touch with your own intentions, and willingness to be vulnerable. And if you want to explore your own experience first hand, face-to-face with other humans, come to one of our humhum experiences.
